Avoiding Empty Sentences
To create effective sentences, you need to work with deliberation. Hasty writing often leads to empty sentences. Such sentences may be grammatically complete, yet they lack substance. Empty sentences often result from the following problems.
Circular Reasoning
This problem occurs when the second part of a sentence merely restates what was said in the first part. Circular reasoning leads the reader to expect details and reasons that are never supplied by the writing.
Faulty The increase of traffic problems in major urban areas results from the problem of too much traffic for the roads to handle.
Analysis This sentence starts out well but falls apart after the word results. The writer promises to tell why traffic problems have
increased but then says in effect that there are traffic problems because there is too much traffic.
Revised Urban traffic problems have increased because the traffic load on most roads and highways now dramatically exceeds
the load that builders had anticipated.
Unsupported Opinions
Sentences that contain opinions without reasons, facts, or examples force the reader to guess at the writer's full meaning. Such sentences need further development.
Faulty Automobile insurance rates are unfair.
Analysis No reasons or facts are supplied to support the claim.
Revised Automobile insurance rates are unfair because they discriminate against men under the age of twenty-five.
Staring the Obvious
Some statements are so obvious that they do not need to be made. Everyone knows, for example that Shakespeare was an important writer or that mountain climbing is difficult and dangerous. Your writing will be more effective if you learn to weed out the obvious.
Faulty Dickens was a popular writer.
Revised To explain Dickens's popularity, one needs to consider his memorable characters, his intricate and suspenseful plots,
and his remarkable power as a social critic.
Circular Reasoning
This problem occurs when the second part of a sentence merely restates what was said in the first part. Circular reasoning leads the reader to expect details and reasons that are never supplied by the writing.
Faulty The increase of traffic problems in major urban areas results from the problem of too much traffic for the roads to handle.
Analysis This sentence starts out well but falls apart after the word results. The writer promises to tell why traffic problems have
increased but then says in effect that there are traffic problems because there is too much traffic.
Revised Urban traffic problems have increased because the traffic load on most roads and highways now dramatically exceeds
the load that builders had anticipated.
Unsupported Opinions
Sentences that contain opinions without reasons, facts, or examples force the reader to guess at the writer's full meaning. Such sentences need further development.
Faulty Automobile insurance rates are unfair.
Analysis No reasons or facts are supplied to support the claim.
Revised Automobile insurance rates are unfair because they discriminate against men under the age of twenty-five.
Staring the Obvious
Some statements are so obvious that they do not need to be made. Everyone knows, for example that Shakespeare was an important writer or that mountain climbing is difficult and dangerous. Your writing will be more effective if you learn to weed out the obvious.
Faulty Dickens was a popular writer.
Revised To explain Dickens's popularity, one needs to consider his memorable characters, his intricate and suspenseful plots,
and his remarkable power as a social critic.
Avoidng Empty Sentences - Paragraph Revision | |
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Avoiding Overloaded Sentences
For the same reason that a machine should have no unnecessary parts, a sentence should have no unnecessary words. Lively writing is concise. For example, consider the following statement written by Bartley T. Campbell.
Distance lends enhancement to the view.
Now read the same idea expressed in another sentence:
Sometimes you have to step back from a view in order to really see it because if you are too close, you may not appreciate it
as fully as possible.
In the first sentence, the writer focused on his idea. The second sentence, with five times the number of words, is overloaded.
Overloaded sentences may contain unrelated details, too many ideas, or details, or unclear relationships among ideas.
Omitting Unrelated Details
Unrelated details interrupt the ideas and distract the reader.
Faulty The poet Carl Sandburg, who once lived in Kansas, was the author of a biography of Abraham Lincoln.
Revised The poet Carl Sandburg wrote Lincoln's biography.
Separating Ideas
Putting too many ideas or details in a sentence can make you forget what you started to write and will only confuse the reader. When you find overloaded sentences in your writing, you may need to eliminate some details or put them in a new sentence.
Faulty Everyone should learn a second language because this knowledge will expand one's cultural horizons, while it may
lead to practical career benefits as well, considering our dependence on foreign trade and the need for business
people who are fluent in other languages.
Revised Everyone should learn a second language because this knowledge will expand one's cultural horizons. It may also
have practical benefits, for there is a need for business people who are fluent in other languages.
Revising Stringy Sentences
Some sentences become overloaded when the writer strings a series of ideas together with and's. In the resulting stringy sentence, no single idea stands out, and the reader will find it difficult to understand how the ideas are related. In revising, you can correct a stringy sentence in two says:
1. Choose conjunctions that will show a more precise relationship between your ideas.
2. Divide the sentence into two or more sentences.
Faulty There is an air pollution problem in many large cities, and this problem is caused by auto emissions, and some states
are passing laws to require emissions testing.
Revised The air pollution problem in many large cities is caused by auto emissions; consequently, some states are passing
law to require emissions testing.
Faulty For years, science fiction writers have envisioned technological developments and two of these are laser surgery and
space travel, and these ideas seemed to be far-fetched fiction and they have become part of our daily lives.
Revised For years, science fiction writers have envisioned technological developments such as laser surgery and space travel.
These developments seemed to be far-fetched fiction, yet they have become part of our daily lives.
Distance lends enhancement to the view.
Now read the same idea expressed in another sentence:
Sometimes you have to step back from a view in order to really see it because if you are too close, you may not appreciate it
as fully as possible.
In the first sentence, the writer focused on his idea. The second sentence, with five times the number of words, is overloaded.
Overloaded sentences may contain unrelated details, too many ideas, or details, or unclear relationships among ideas.
Omitting Unrelated Details
Unrelated details interrupt the ideas and distract the reader.
Faulty The poet Carl Sandburg, who once lived in Kansas, was the author of a biography of Abraham Lincoln.
Revised The poet Carl Sandburg wrote Lincoln's biography.
Separating Ideas
Putting too many ideas or details in a sentence can make you forget what you started to write and will only confuse the reader. When you find overloaded sentences in your writing, you may need to eliminate some details or put them in a new sentence.
Faulty Everyone should learn a second language because this knowledge will expand one's cultural horizons, while it may
lead to practical career benefits as well, considering our dependence on foreign trade and the need for business
people who are fluent in other languages.
Revised Everyone should learn a second language because this knowledge will expand one's cultural horizons. It may also
have practical benefits, for there is a need for business people who are fluent in other languages.
Revising Stringy Sentences
Some sentences become overloaded when the writer strings a series of ideas together with and's. In the resulting stringy sentence, no single idea stands out, and the reader will find it difficult to understand how the ideas are related. In revising, you can correct a stringy sentence in two says:
1. Choose conjunctions that will show a more precise relationship between your ideas.
2. Divide the sentence into two or more sentences.
Faulty There is an air pollution problem in many large cities, and this problem is caused by auto emissions, and some states
are passing laws to require emissions testing.
Revised The air pollution problem in many large cities is caused by auto emissions; consequently, some states are passing
law to require emissions testing.
Faulty For years, science fiction writers have envisioned technological developments and two of these are laser surgery and
space travel, and these ideas seemed to be far-fetched fiction and they have become part of our daily lives.
Revised For years, science fiction writers have envisioned technological developments such as laser surgery and space travel.
These developments seemed to be far-fetched fiction, yet they have become part of our daily lives.
Avoiding Wordiness
A sentence containing unnecessary words is usually hard to read because the extra words obscure the meaning. Consider the following sentence.
The world is full of both advantages and disadvantages, and for every advantage that we enjoy, we
have to compensate for it by accepting some disadvantage at the same time.
Now read a sentence by Ralph Waldo Emerson in which the same idea is expressed more concisely.
Every advantage has its tax.
Which sentence is easier to read? You can correct wordiness in your writing in two ways.
Eliminating Redundancies
One kind of wordiness results from needless repetition. Correct redundancies by eliminating words, by using pronouns, or by rewriting.
Wordy We thought we had provided an adequate seating with a chair for each person in attendance.
Revised We thought we had provided adequate seating.
Wordy I have chosen a topic that is a frequent topic of debate today. My topic is exploiting our natural resources.
Revised I have chosen a topic that is frequently debated today - exploiting our natural resources.
Wordy I thought that if I came that I might be able to help.
Revised I thought that if I came I might be able to help.
Wordiness can result from using several words instead of one.
Wordy At the present time she thinks that she will be able to join us, but because her schedule may change she cannot be
certain until a later point in time.
Revised Now she thinks that she will be able to join us, but her schedule may change, so she cannot be certain yet.
Reducing Sentences
Sometimes you may need to reduce a sentence to avoid wordiness. At other times, you may want to reduce a sentence for stylistic reasons - to improve the rhythm, for example. In revising, you can convert wordy sentences into shorter ones in one of three ways.
1. Change a clause to a phrase.
2. Change a clause to an appositive.
3. Change a phrase to s single modifier.
Clause We are moving to a wonderful house that has oak floors and high ceilings.
Prepositional Phrase We are moving to a wonderful house with oak floors and high ceilings.
Clause When pajamas were brought from India to England, they caused a tremendous sensation.
Verbal Phrase Bringing pajamas from India to England caused a tremendous sensation.
Clause My cousin Leslie likes to hear me tell "The Three Bears," which is a favorite story for many children.
Appositive Phrase My cousin Leslie likes to hear me tell "The Three Bears," a favorite story for many children.
Phrase One of the players on the team that represents Detroit was hurt badly.
Modifier One of the Detroit players was hurt badly.
If the clauses of a compound sentence have that same subject, you can reduce the sentence by changing it to a simple sentence with a compound predicate. If, on the other hand, the clauses of a compound sentence have the same verb, you can reduce the sentence by using a compound subject. In each example shown below, note that both the compound sentence and the simple sentence are acceptable and have similar meanings.
Compound Sentence The quarterback's feeble pass floated lazily, and it was easily intercepted.
Simple Sentence The quarterback's feeble pass floated lazily and was easily intercepted.
Compound Sentence All the cups of the new china set shattered upon failing , and all the saucers shattered, too.
Simple Sentence All the cups and saucers of the new china set shattered upon falling.
The world is full of both advantages and disadvantages, and for every advantage that we enjoy, we
have to compensate for it by accepting some disadvantage at the same time.
Now read a sentence by Ralph Waldo Emerson in which the same idea is expressed more concisely.
Every advantage has its tax.
Which sentence is easier to read? You can correct wordiness in your writing in two ways.
- Eliminate repetition
- Reduce sentences
Eliminating Redundancies
One kind of wordiness results from needless repetition. Correct redundancies by eliminating words, by using pronouns, or by rewriting.
Wordy We thought we had provided an adequate seating with a chair for each person in attendance.
Revised We thought we had provided adequate seating.
Wordy I have chosen a topic that is a frequent topic of debate today. My topic is exploiting our natural resources.
Revised I have chosen a topic that is frequently debated today - exploiting our natural resources.
Wordy I thought that if I came that I might be able to help.
Revised I thought that if I came I might be able to help.
Wordiness can result from using several words instead of one.
Wordy At the present time she thinks that she will be able to join us, but because her schedule may change she cannot be
certain until a later point in time.
Revised Now she thinks that she will be able to join us, but her schedule may change, so she cannot be certain yet.
Reducing Sentences
Sometimes you may need to reduce a sentence to avoid wordiness. At other times, you may want to reduce a sentence for stylistic reasons - to improve the rhythm, for example. In revising, you can convert wordy sentences into shorter ones in one of three ways.
1. Change a clause to a phrase.
2. Change a clause to an appositive.
3. Change a phrase to s single modifier.
Clause We are moving to a wonderful house that has oak floors and high ceilings.
Prepositional Phrase We are moving to a wonderful house with oak floors and high ceilings.
Clause When pajamas were brought from India to England, they caused a tremendous sensation.
Verbal Phrase Bringing pajamas from India to England caused a tremendous sensation.
Clause My cousin Leslie likes to hear me tell "The Three Bears," which is a favorite story for many children.
Appositive Phrase My cousin Leslie likes to hear me tell "The Three Bears," a favorite story for many children.
Phrase One of the players on the team that represents Detroit was hurt badly.
Modifier One of the Detroit players was hurt badly.
If the clauses of a compound sentence have that same subject, you can reduce the sentence by changing it to a simple sentence with a compound predicate. If, on the other hand, the clauses of a compound sentence have the same verb, you can reduce the sentence by using a compound subject. In each example shown below, note that both the compound sentence and the simple sentence are acceptable and have similar meanings.
Compound Sentence The quarterback's feeble pass floated lazily, and it was easily intercepted.
Simple Sentence The quarterback's feeble pass floated lazily and was easily intercepted.
Compound Sentence All the cups of the new china set shattered upon failing , and all the saucers shattered, too.
Simple Sentence All the cups and saucers of the new china set shattered upon falling.
Avoiding Wordiness - Paragraph Revision | |
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Avoiding Awkward Beginnings
In discussing her craft, Flannery O'Connor wrote: Fiction writing is very seldom a matter of saying things; it is a matter of showing things.
A less skillful writer might have begun the sentence with it is a commonly recognized fact that fiction writing or in my opinion, thus needlessly delaying the introduction of the subject.
Avoid beginning sentences with phrases that unnecessarily delay expressing the main ideas. The most common of such phrases are the fact that, due to the fact that, what I believe is, in my opinion, and the reason is.
Awkward The reason is that D.H. Lawrence's tuberculosis sometimes interfered with his ability to write.
Revised D.H. Lawrence's tuberculosis sometimes interfered with his ability to write.
Also be careful of overusing expletives such as there are and here is. Often these expressions are not necessary.
Awkward There are many useful experiments being conducted at the Berkeley campus.
Revised Many useful experiments are being conducted at the Berkeley campus.
Sometimes more than one solution to the problem exists.
Awkward What I believe is that Flannery O'Connor and Eudora Welty are two of this century's finest short story writers.
Revised I believe that Flannery O'Connor and Eudora Welty are two of this century's finest short story writers.
Revised Flannery O'Connor and Eudora Welty are two of this century's finest short story writers.
Awkward Due to the fact that Joan Samuelson's injury was serious, she was unable to compete in the race.
Revised Because Joan Samuelson's injury was serious, she was unable to compete in the race.
Revised Joan Samuelson's injury was serious, so she was unable to compete in the race.
A less skillful writer might have begun the sentence with it is a commonly recognized fact that fiction writing or in my opinion, thus needlessly delaying the introduction of the subject.
Avoid beginning sentences with phrases that unnecessarily delay expressing the main ideas. The most common of such phrases are the fact that, due to the fact that, what I believe is, in my opinion, and the reason is.
Awkward The reason is that D.H. Lawrence's tuberculosis sometimes interfered with his ability to write.
Revised D.H. Lawrence's tuberculosis sometimes interfered with his ability to write.
Also be careful of overusing expletives such as there are and here is. Often these expressions are not necessary.
Awkward There are many useful experiments being conducted at the Berkeley campus.
Revised Many useful experiments are being conducted at the Berkeley campus.
Sometimes more than one solution to the problem exists.
Awkward What I believe is that Flannery O'Connor and Eudora Welty are two of this century's finest short story writers.
Revised I believe that Flannery O'Connor and Eudora Welty are two of this century's finest short story writers.
Revised Flannery O'Connor and Eudora Welty are two of this century's finest short story writers.
Awkward Due to the fact that Joan Samuelson's injury was serious, she was unable to compete in the race.
Revised Because Joan Samuelson's injury was serious, she was unable to compete in the race.
Revised Joan Samuelson's injury was serious, so she was unable to compete in the race.
Producing Effective Writing - Practice Test | |
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